And so it is.

I've just scrolled my way through my blog. Man, the thoughts that have run through my head.

It's okay that I'm here in life. It's okay that I don't stay with one person or in one place. That's life. Learn from things and move on.

I am so blessed to be where I am at today. I'm blessed to have God's will always present on my mind. That my life is truly of great purpose to this world. That the people that have known me have been affected by me. I am eager, extremely eager to embark on yet another journey in my life.

What a wonderful heart I have to take on the world with love.

Believe more strongly, more audaciously.

andrea

Fill up your heart with ardent love for Christ.

Mrs. Brian McDermett?

I deleted my facebook today. Or should I say I deactivated my facebook. Basically I'm getting really irritated at how easily I can just log in and check other people's updates and pictures. Literally, facebook has become my television. Another reason I get so frustrated with myself when it comes to social networking is that I absolutely CAN NOT stand knowing that my life and my business is open for everyone to see. I mean I guess I could just be smart and keep my personal life disclosed, but somehow that always fails to happen.

On a completly different note, I want to be married.

Yes I said it. Marriage has been uncontrollably on my mind for somewhere around 3 weeks now. Honestly I feel that if the opportunity presented itself I would jump at the chance of being Mrs. Brian McDermett. With all of this said, I acknowledge that I am a completely hormonal and crazy woman. I am 98.3526% sure that this is probably just a crazy phase, nontheless I still want to be married to Brian. The idea of being young, mature, equally spiritual, and happily married together at this point sounds so good. The idea of making my husband delicious meals to come home to is so exciting. The idea of Brian no longer having to say "Goodnight baby I'll see you tomorrow" sounds perfect for me. The idea of blessed marital sex sounds wild and amazing. The meer idea of just waking up and going to sleep next to Brian sounds incredible! The idea of having my lifetime partner right now sounds wonderful.

But...

I'm obviously nowhere near ready according to God. I am so not ready maturity-wise. I can be sweet and kind, yet I can just as quickly be mean and stubborn. It takes me too long to fully accept Brian's apology and get over the whole dispute. I get quiet and unneccesarily reserved for no reason. I am easily offended. I start most arguments. I'm not the first person to try and fix myself. I don't try hard enough to make our spiritual life as important as our relationship itself. I am hot tempered. It's hard to admit, but I have a whole bunch of stuff that I have to fix- for my relationship with Brian, but most importantly myself.

God will take care of me and help me. I have a yearning to be committed to Brian for a reason, but I don't want to be stupid and act on it the first chance I get. I know I would be doing an injustice to Brian if I went into marriage halfbootied.

i have found the paradox that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love. -Mother Teresa

I miss you, that's all.
If you were here, all of these troubles will still be here, too, but at least they wouldn't matter. I am not saying though, nor implying that you must cater to my selfish needs and pleas to be comforted, because I don't want you to. Not when you have troubles of your own to deal with, with which I am more than happy to help as well. I'm just acknowledging the fact that you make life seem so much better, so much more bearable.

You make me happy. I just wanted you to know.

I want to know him, love him, and serve him.

Why is it so easy for me to lose my spirtuality in electronics, bad relationships, selfishness, or wasted energy? God is so much more than any of that.


Oh God, how in love with me you are.

I want to have a messy bed with you. When you come home I want to surprise you with a fridge full of beer.



I will not ever give up.

december,

Nothing compares to the feeling of waking up in your arms. It is indescribable.

my hands. your hands. mom please teach me how. please show me how grandma used to do it. i won't push you away anymore. i want you to see me falling in love. grandma where are you? come nearer, come quicker, come soothe me when i miss you the most. i want to feel your comforting arms wrapped around my once tiny wrists and move my body move my soul move my faith.

oh your love, your love is like a good cup of tea.

my lover's playlist:

Sideways- Citizen Cope
Everything is you- Eli Young Band (although it's sad)
Secret- Maroon 5
Ain't gonna lose you- Brett Dennen
Home- Boyce Avenue (cover)
In my Dreams- Josh Turner
Mi Mancherai- Josh Groban
Closer to the sun- Slightly Stoopid
Why Georgia- John Mayer
Right where I need to be- Gary Allan
These Arms of Mine- Otis Redding
To make you feel my love- Adele
American Baby- Dave Matthews Band
Who I am- Wade Bowen
Wish you were here- Incubus
Sugar in my bowl- Nina Simone
Just two of us- Bill Withers
Crash into me- Dave Matthews Band
You and I- Ingrid Michaelson

& more

I have happily found love. Love in it's greatest aspects. Brian brings me peace, affection, laughter, lessons, patience, wisdom, kindness. This will be one of the greatest relationships I will ever be a part of. It's crazy to think that people are made for intimate relationships. (also the men and women who have intimate relationships with the church.) But we are made to need others- but most of all we really are made for intimacy with God. I can hear my own words ringing back in my ears now- you need to find your fulfillment in God. Everything that makes me feel comfortable and fulfilled and good- outside of the Lord- is temporary and unreliable.

I know that every circumstance God gives me is an opportunity for growth and to be more like him. If anything, my feelings toward Brian have caused me to embrace the arms of God and to be more thankful than I ever have before.

p ra i s e G o d .

"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company… church… a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for the day. We cannot change our past… we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude…. I am convinced that life is 10% of what happens to us and 90% of how we react to it."
-Charles Swindoll

“I’m crazy about you and I want you to know that if I had the choice of hanging out with anyone in the entire world or just sitting at home with you eating a pizza and watching a crappy TV show… I’d choose you every time.”
- Scrubs

A Million Little Pieces by James Frey

the way air leaves my lips when you touch me.




perfect.

kiss this

What is the function of beauty?

-to connect the body and surroundings to emotions

I really want to hear a good story right now....

and oddly enough, I'd like to learn how to play the accordion sometime.

right where I need to be

goodbye sweet July

What I became last month:

I am the sea.

• Travels with Charley - Steinbeck
• House of Leaves - Danielewski
• American Gods - Gaiman
• House of Sand and Fog - Dubus III
• After You'd Gone - Maggie O'Farrell
• Wilderness - Jim Morrison
• Crazy From the Heat - David Lee Roth
• White Oleander - Janet Fitch
• Quakel - Francesca Lia Block
• The Time Traveler's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
• The Talisman - Sir Walter Scott
• The Road - Cormac McCarthy
  

You are missed!

Can you imagine life without missing someone/something? That's been on my mind all morning. I woke up right beside my sister, and yes I've been camping out in her bed. 1. it's more comfy than my rock of a bed these days 2. she's not one of those wild sleepers that lets there legs and arms travel all over the place 3. I've missed her all year long and somehow it gets me closer to her.
But it's a funny thing to miss someone and I don't even think I've written exactly who or what I've been missing these days. It's a funny thing, because you have all this built up emotion inside of you that yearns and longs for someone to be near you, but most of the time you shouldn't be feeling that way, or you're embarrassed to miss someone because you there's a possibility that they aren't missing you back.
I miss my grandma. She could make a meal for 20 people with barely anything. I have some of her old books that she collected all throughout her childhood. I cannot tell you how inspiring she was just by the books she kept. She has an astronomy book that discusses Greek mythology in relation to the constellations, she has books on politics, she has books on dinosaurs, books on cooking. I mean this woman had dreams, and her ambitions were out of this world! I miss her buying all of her grandkids yo-yo's, play cars, marbles, more books, and candy. I don't even know if she could afford it, but she'd buy us little gifts as soon as she as able to. I miss being in the back seat of her old tank of a car and her doing abrupt breaking just to hear me giggle. I miss her asking me to dance when a really really old spanish song came on the radio while she was cooking in the kitchen. Keep in mind that I was about 5 at this time so I could be goofy and outgoing whenever I wanted to, but whenever someone zoned in on my sillyness I wouldn't dance on cue. I wish I had done it willingly. I still beat myself up about it, but I was only five so I suppose it's okay. I miss her putting me on a barstool and standing behind me and laughing hysterically as she grabbed my hands and orchestrated them to clap and do disco moves. My grandmother was an artist. Her life was her canvas and she was constantly adding to her painting. I miss her. This is going to sound crazy, but last year I saw her in my kitchen. It was family dinner time and I saw her standing in a reflection in my kitchen. Her spirit lives and I'm excited to catch her when I can. I miss the way she could light up my grandpa's face just by making him breakfast or dancing with him. I miss her green robe that she wore in the mornings to cook. I'd pretend to still be sleeping in the living room and everyone was still asleep and I'd see her cook and sing to old Elvis songs, or Aretha Franklin or Johnny Cash.
I miss my grandma so much and I absolutely cannot wait to see her again someday somewhere.

it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's a big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal. it's no big deal.

"Take a look at yourself in the mirror. Is it the person you want to be? Or is there someone else you were meant to be, the person you should have been, but fell short of? Is someone telling you you can’t, or won’t? Because you can. Believe that love is out there. Believe that dreams come true everyday, because they do. Sometimes happiness doesn’t come from money or fame or power. Sometimes happiness comes from good friends and family and the quiet nobility of leading a good life. Believe that dreams come true everday, because they do. So take a look at that mirror and remind yourself to be happy because you deserve to be. Believe that. And believe that dreams come true everyday, because they do."
-One Tree Hill

I really wish I could just be honest with you and tell you that you're frustrating me. You've changed. The important things in your life has changed and maybe it's just irritating to watch from the sidelines, but ugh get over it now.

that above totally cancels out my thoughts for the night.
I've been staying up late and reading from my Bible. I lay in bed, wait for my sister to get home, and indulge myself in some Bible studying.


Let's talk about the well.

So lately I've been thinking about hardcore Jesus was. He was so intensely loyal to His cause and purpose on earth. I don't even think that we really understand all the risks He took. He was the most rebellious person who ever lived, in my opinion, and I'll tell you why. Jesus was rebellious against sin and He fought it to the death, the most painful death. When I say rebellious to sin, I don't necessarily just mean: hate, lies, fornication, murder, etc. Yes those, but also, Jesus completely went against the man made traditions and culture of the time period He lived in. I think that it would be helpful if we better understood the old Jewish culture (this is something I'd like to look into). I have been thinking about the woman at the well (Mark 4). Not only was she a women but she also was a Samaritan. Just one of those would have been a good enough reason for a Jewish man to NOT strike up conversation with her. Or am I completely not good at this Bible interpretation? Jesus had such an incredible love for people. I want to have an incredible love for people. I want to go against our cultures traditions and "the norm" and love all of those people who most despise.

I really do just want to love, and for that love to produce actions.

You are on my mind!

hey Mama,

I put my secrets in the palms of your hands.

Goodnight.

the three

I love you more than a heart is supposed to love.

Hold your own.

Know your name.

Go your own way.

I will let you borrow some of my dreams.
Don't worry,




I'll give you all the good ones.

human beings are funny. they long to be with the person they love but refuse to admit openly. some are afraid to show even the slightest sign of affection because of fear. fear that their feelings may not be recognized, or even worst, returned. humans are scared of showing their hearts because of a possible rejection. but one thing about human beings that puzzles me the most is their conscious effort to be connected with the object of their affection even if it kills them slowly within.

I’m wet. Not soaked, but moist. I just ran in from the outside. God wants us to be immersed in his glory. It’s figurative and literal. Our God is the master of poets. So I decided that I don’t quite much like the idea of social networking… call me, write me a letter, come visit me if I’m even remotely significant to you.

I need a new candle. I want to go camping very soon. I need a rest from technology.

I a m s o ha p pi l y f r e e.

"Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself, and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked..., You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you. Sing. Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind; the race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life... the most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still dont.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't, maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't, maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary... whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either - your choices are half chance, so are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body, use it every way you can, don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it's the greatest instrument you'll ever own...

Dance...even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room. Read the directions, even if you don't follow them. Do not read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly. Get to know your parents, you never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings, they're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young."
-Baz Luhrmann

My head is throbbing and it’s telling me things that I haven’t heard in quite some time. Work was good tonight. I enjoy my time laughing and making drinks. You know I’ve been thinking about loneliness. Like the people in the world that don’t have anybody to love, children, husbands, wives, friends, parents, siblings, lovers. Sometimes people just don’t want to love at all. They envision love as a scary thing to experience. And really…. It is. Very much so, because if you sit down and think about it, you willingly, knowingly put your vulnerable heart out there on the line. All the while, people know that it could be stepped on, neglected, rejected, or made fun of. But on the other hand… if you give your heart away at just the right time to just the right person, I do believe that your heart is at it’s perfect home. I’m excited to find my heart’s perfect resting place, to find the person who is just as excited to have my heart. Until then, I can live happily anticipating such a reward. Maybe in the meantime I’m supposed to be bettering myself, and making my heart deserving of such a fine lover.

My head still aches. Like right in the middle of my face. Right above my nose. I want to take a 7 hour long nap. That probably wouldn’t be a good idea, because it wouldn’t be a nap haha and I’ve got plenty of things to keep me busy tonight. But God, I would really really like for you to heal me. Okay I’m ready for whenever it is you want to send your healing hand down upon me haha.

I’m getting older. I can feel it in my hands, in the way my body moves certain ways, and by the way my mouth speaks. It’s an interesting feeling. I’m thankful for the life you’ve given me God. You’re the best there is.

Now who is ready to sleep outside my house, soak up the breeze, watch the stars, wake up extra early, make some amazing coffee and biscuits, listen to some great African music, sit and chat, and live life happily with me?

I'm going to make some tea, wash some dishes, sit in the bath, kiss your cheek, go to work, go for a walk, laugh with God, make some peanut butter and green apple snacks, read my book, give you a call, take it slow, and breathe.

I ran over two birds mating....or something. But they didn't die.


weird!

did you seriously say "she's just too earthy."



can I hit you?

'Sometimes, there are things in our life that aren’t meant to stay. Sometimes, change may not be what we want. Sometimes, change is exactly what we need. And sometimes, saying goodbye is the hardest thing you think you’ll ever have to do, but sometimes, saying hello again is the thing that breaks you down and makes you more vulnerable than you ever thought possible. Sometimes, change is too much to bear. but most of the time, change is the only thing saving your life.'
Author unknown

"I do my thing, and you do your thing. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you, and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful." - Frederick E. Perl

I was thinking about it earlier & I honestly wish this wasn't true for you anymore. This feeling of being in a tunnel. When you look behind you, all you see is the same path your on. When you look in front of you, you feel like it's the same damn thing. I promise you... it's not. You've come a long way. I wish you had a change of feelings. I wish it wasn't love for you anymore. I have never wished that in my life until this second. You are wonderful and you deserve a better love.

-I still wait for the phone in the middle of the night thinking you might call me, if your dreams don’t turn out right. And it still amazes me that I lie here in the dark wishing you were next to me, with your head against my heart. If you asked me how I’m doing, I’d say just fine, but the truth is, if you could read my mind not a day goes by that I don’t think of you.-

all this love.

i want to study the geography of your body. i want to start a revolution with you. i want to write secret notes on your back as you sleep next to me. but what i really want is to tell you that regardless of everything, i love you. even if you never love me back… i love you. i hope that when you’re laying in bed after a night spent in some distant state or country, watching terrible tv, that you don’t feel alone. i love you.

your love will be safe with me.

One of the hardest things in life is
having words in your heart that you can't utter.
-James Earl Jones

I really like old people. I find great comfort being in their presence.

Oh Mel, sweet Mel!

"I love how your eyes close, whenever you kiss me. And when I'm away from you, I love how you miss me. I love the way your kiss is always heavenly but darling, most of all I love how you love me. I love how your heart beats, whenever I hold you. I love how you think of me without being told to. I love the way your touch is always tenderly, but darling, most of all I love how you love me."

It's all about the way you approach people.
Please approach me well and I will return the favor.

thanks.

who I'd like to meet...

Someone that loves my button nose even though I feel self-conscious about it. Someone who will let me vent and cry and be very emotional and just let me hurt for a little bit, but somehow, miraculously take it away. Someone who finds beauty in my strong faith. Someone who is bold enough to stand up to me when I am wrong, but let me down easy. Someone who can make me laugh hysterically yet can make me sit in utter silence thinking. Someone who honestly thinks my face looks best without makeup. Someone who plays with my hair. Someone who listens to me tell stories and not get frustrated when I talk off subject every 5 seconds. Someone who is thrilled to take walks with me. Someone who loves hanging out with my family as much as I do. Someone who challenges me. Someone who teaches me. Someone who holds my hand and kisses it. Someone who washes dishes with me. Someone who will be okay with losing to card games and thumb wars to me. Someone who calls me to tell me a corny joke. Someone who can teach me how to change a tire and be okay with me not getting it right the first time. Someone who leaves me notes on my windshield. Someone who is happy making me happy.

Same Mistake - James Blunt

WHAT THE HECK IS MY PROBLEM

her soul is too big for her body

I wanna hear a poem where ideas kiss similes so deeply that metaphors get jealous, where the subject matters so much that adjectives start holding pronoun rallies at city hall.

feliz navidad

"Life is the ability to feel so happy, you think your insides are going to explode. It's being so upset or disappointed, you feel as if your stomach just dropped ten feet out of place. It's running so hard, you can barely breathe. It's the feeling of panic when you know you've been caught doing something wrong. It's having that sudden rush before you kiss someone you care about. It's opening your eyes and feeling them sting because you spent the whole night crying. It's letting people go because new ones come in, and all the while realizing that life doesn't have a purpose unless you let it."

I had a dream about you. It stirred my soul. You came to my house in your tears and your vulnerability. You had been crying and your body was anxious to see me. You were really there and you came to me. Your honesty was completely beautiful.

There are some moments in life when you have to put all things aside, all expectations, all embarrassment, all fear. You have to be able to expose your soul to get what your heart truly desires.

It was a dream.

happy heart.

let me go.

Do you think it's easy to find real happiness?
at times like these. no.
you don't even know my favorite color. if you were in best buy or hastings or wherever the heck they sell music, you wouldn't be able to pick out my kind of music. you live your life everyday so buried in other people's business that you have easily passed up mine. no freaking pity here, okay? i hate that crap, but seriously. i'm here everyday of your life amazed at how far you've come along and you don't even notice anything about me

and you know what. it won't be very long at all until I'm gone. forever. i will never be the same in your presence. it will never be the same. too bad you'll realize that when I've already left.

I will leave you with a
GOOD
BYE
to just linger by your side and that's the taste you'll be left with.
a good, calm, memorable, hopeful, kind
bye.

I appreciate you December. I appreciate the way you make my toes cold on the tile as I walk through the kitchen on an early morning adventure.
I appreciate you when you threaten me with chills, thus leading to my increasing desire to cuddle.
I appreciate you as a holder of my memories.
I appreciate the sweet nostalgia that comes with the season.
I appreciate how within you I am reminded that love is limitless and unselfish.
I appreciate you dear December.

tres leches and coffee,

-Do you have doubts about life? Are you unsure if it is worth the trouble? Look at the sky; that is for you. Look at each person’s face as you pass on the street; those faces are for you. And the street itself, and the ground under the street, and the ball of fire underneath the ground; all these things are for you. They are as much for you as they are for other people. Remember this when you wake up in the morning and think you have nothing. Stand up and face the east. Now praise the sky and praise the light within each person under the sky. It’s okay to be unsure. But praise, praise, praise.-