I deleted my facebook today. Or should I say I deactivated my facebook. Basically I'm getting really irritated at how easily I can just log in and check other people's updates and pictures. Literally, facebook has become my television. Another reason I get so frustrated with myself when it comes to social networking is that I absolutely CAN NOT stand knowing that my life and my business is open for everyone to see. I mean I guess I could just be smart and keep my personal life disclosed, but somehow that always fails to happen.
On a completly different note, I want to be married.
Yes I said it. Marriage has been uncontrollably on my mind for somewhere around 3 weeks now. Honestly I feel that if the opportunity presented itself I would jump at the chance of being Mrs. Brian McDermett. With all of this said, I acknowledge that I am a completely hormonal and crazy woman. I am 98.3526% sure that this is probably just a crazy phase, nontheless I still want to be married to Brian. The idea of being young, mature, equally spiritual, and happily married together at this point sounds so good. The idea of making my husband delicious meals to come home to is so exciting. The idea of Brian no longer having to say "Goodnight baby I'll see you tomorrow" sounds perfect for me. The idea of blessed marital sex sounds wild and amazing. The meer idea of just waking up and going to sleep next to Brian sounds incredible! The idea of having my lifetime partner right now sounds wonderful.
But...
I'm obviously nowhere near ready according to God. I am so not ready maturity-wise. I can be sweet and kind, yet I can just as quickly be mean and stubborn. It takes me too long to fully accept Brian's apology and get over the whole dispute. I get quiet and unneccesarily reserved for no reason. I am easily offended. I start most arguments. I'm not the first person to try and fix myself. I don't try hard enough to make our spiritual life as important as our relationship itself. I am hot tempered. It's hard to admit, but I have a whole bunch of stuff that I have to fix- for my relationship with Brian, but most importantly myself.
God will take care of me and help me. I have a yearning to be committed to Brian for a reason, but I don't want to be stupid and act on it the first chance I get. I know I would be doing an injustice to Brian if I went into marriage halfbootied.
